"pS" 6 3 S 



jT^ 




\& Penu Publishing (^mpar\^ > 

Philadelphia 



SHOEMAKER'S^ 

Best Selections 

■* FOR 

READINGS AND RECITATIONS 

Numbers 1 to 22 Now Issued 

Paper Binding, each number, - -" 30 cents 
Cloth, " " " - - - 50 " 

This series was formerly called ".The Elocutionist's 
Annual," the first 17 numbers being published under 
that title. The change in name is made because it is 
believed a more appropriate title is thus secured. 

Teachers, Readers, Students, and all persons who 
have occasion to use books of this kind, concede this 
to be the best series of speakers published. The differ- 
ent numbers are compiled by leading elocutionists of . 
the country, who have exceptional facilities for securing 
selections, and whose judgment as to their merits is in- 
valuable. No trouble or expense is spared to obtain the 
very best readings and recitations, and much material'' is 
used by special arrangement with other publishers, thus 
securing the best selections from such American authors 
as Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Lowell, Emerson, 
Alice and Phoebe Gary, Mrs. Stowe, and many others. 
The formost English authors are also represented, as 
well as the leading French and German writers. 

Sold by all Booksellers and Newsdealers, or mailed 
upon receipt of price. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
1020 Arch Street 

Philadelphia 



A Red-Hot Massage 



An Ethiopian Farce 



IN ONE SCENE 



LEVIN C. TEES 

Author of ''Tatters," " Botany Bay,'* " Mrs. Pepper's Ghost/' etc. 



Philadelphia 

The Penn Publishing Company 

1894 



/ 



4> ^ 



Copyright 1894 by The Penn Publishing Company 



A RED-HOT MASSAGE 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 



Doctor Dosemall, a physician in hard luck. 
Farmer Onions, an unwilling victim to science. 

Time in Playing, 15 Minutes 



PROPERTIES 

Table, with half a dozen books. Four chairs. A common 
canvas cot. A bath-tub, with lid, which closed, shows hole big 
enough for a man's neck — this tub can be made of shelving 
boards or of stout pasteboard, glued together — it must have 
only the top and sides, but no bottom, giving chance for Onions' 
business at the finale. Carpet-bag and old umbrella for Onions. 
Visting-cards for Doctor. A couple of tin pans concealed in 
Onions' clothing — one over breast, the other over back. Ham- 
mer, saw, broad-axe, hay-rake, and property base-ball bat 
(stuffed) for Doctor. Big horse-pistol for Doctor. Red fire 
ready r. and l. entrance at finale. On large stages, have trap 
open with red fire ready to flash up as per stage directions. 



COSTUMES 

Doctor Dosemall. — A gay young physician. Neat, every- 
day business suit. 

Farmer Onions.— A droll, old colored farmer. Fright wig, 
white hat. Cow-hide boots, ragged pants, stuffed into boots. 
He wears a half-dozen ragged coats of different colors, the top 
coat being a large one made of a horse blanket. The more 
eccentric this character can be dressed, the better the effect. 



A RED-HOT MASSAGE 



SCENE. — Dr. Dosemall's office in 3 g. Double doorc. in 
flat with curtains. Practical window in u. L. E. Table c, 
with books, chairs about room, sofa down l. c. A cot up 
r. c. Down r. c. is a bath-tub large enough to hold a man. 
Over the top of the tub is a lid with an opening large e?iough 
for Farmer Onions to protrude his neck through, con- 
cealing all of his body in the tub but his head. Enter 
Doctor c.from l. 

Doctor, (door-bell rings furiously) Who is that ? More 
bill-collectors ? (Looks out of window, l. u. e.) As I live, it is a 
patient. He is examining the shingle : " Massage treatment, 
the afflicted taken in and done for." That is my last hope. 
I've tried allopathy, homoeopathy, surgery, and pulling teeth, 
but the public wouldn't nibble. Now I'll try the massage 
treatment, and if that doesn't catch 'em I'll starve. (Calls 
out of window) Walk right in, old gentleman; the door is 
open. (Goes to c. d. and looks off l.) Ah! here he comes. 
Walk right into the office, my dear sir. 

Enter Farmer Onions, with carpet-bag, old umbrella, etc. 

How are you, sir ? My dear fellow, I'm rejoiced to see you. 
(Takes both of Onions's hands and shakes them heartily. 
Business 0/" Onions dropping his carpet-bag and umbrella and 
his hat falling off.) 

Onions. Good morning. 

Doctor. Good morning, sir. How do you do, sir? 
(Business of shaking Onions's hands until the latter nearly 
falls to pieces.) 

Onions. Is you de man what owns de place ? 

Doctor. Yes, sir. I'm the proprietor of the establish- 
ment. Sit down, sir. Rest yourself in this easy-chair. 
(Pushes him into chair) It is a good thing you came to me 
when you did, for in ten minutes you would have been a 
dead man. 

Onions, (jumping up alarmed) What is dat? 

Doctor. I said in ten minutes, if you hadn't come to 
me, you'd have been a dead man. But have no fear. I'll 
save you. Keep easy and have faith :n your doctor. 

5 



6 A RED-HOT MASSAGE 

Onions. What dat you talking 'bout ? What doctor ? 

Doctor. I'm the doctor. Here, sir, have a card. {Gives 
card) Dr. Dosemall, the great specialist, 

Onions. I didn't know dis was a 'pothecary shop. 
{Takes his carpet-bag and umbrella, and moves toward 
door) 

Doctor. Where are you going ? 

Onions. I'm going home. I thought dis was a restau- 
rant. 

Doctor. A restaurant ! Great Caesar ! does this look 
like a restaurant ? 

Onions. Den what you got dat sign on the front door ? 

Doctor. That sign ? 

Onions. Yes, dat sign. Don't it say sausages ? 

Doctor. No, sir. {Aside) This jay mistook my massage 
sign for a sausage advertisement. That sign says massage 
treatment. I am a massage specialist. 

Onions. What am dat ? 

Doctor. It is the art of healing by the manipulation of 
the hands. I disrobe you, and under the skillful manipula- 
tion of my fingers your pains will disappear, your aches 
turn to actual joy. 

Onions. You must be a pretty smart man. 

Doctor. lam. I'm full of science up to my chin. 

Onions. Yes, you look dat way. 

Doctor. Now let me diagnose your disease. Why, my 
dear sir, I can see right through you. 

Onions. Don't tell me dat. 

Doctor. Yes, sir, right through the centre of your body. 
Why, your heart is as visible to my sight as that clock is to 
yours. 

Onions.' Am it still ticking ? 

Doctor. What, the clock ? 

Onions. No, my heart. 

Doctor. Very feebly. It makes about one pulsation 
every twenty-four hours. Just sit down a moment. I want to 
test your lungs. (Doctor gets a hammer, advances on 
Onions, who has become alarmed, seizes him by throat, and 
forces him back into chair again) 

Onions, {struggling out of the chair and falling on his 
knees) Don't murder me, Mister Doctor ! 

Doctor. Keep quiet ! Your life depends upon it. 
(Onions has a tin pan concealed under the front of his vest. 
Doctor hits this with a hammer, making a terrible racket) 

Onions. Mercy ! Mister Doctor ! mercy ! 

Doctor. What did I tell you ? One lung is all gone and 



A RED-HOT MASSAGE y 

there is only a piece of the other one left. Turn over! I 
want to examine your liver. ( Takes Onions by the ?ieck and 
throws him on his face. Then hits him in back with the hammer, 
Onions having a piece of tin concealed there to make a noise.) 
Christopher Columbus ! Your liver is the size of a balloon, 
and your gizzard's busted ! ( Throws off his coat a?id rolls 
up his sleeves) This requires heroic treatment, or you'll die 
on my hands. 

Doctor rushes up and down the room, picks up a saw and a 
broad-axe. Onions sits on floor, looking at the Doctor 
i?i horror and amazement. 

Onions. What you going to do, Doctor ? 

Doctor. I'll save you, or risk my professional reputa- 
tion. 

Onions. I guess I'll get out of here. Dat man's crazy. 

Business of Onions trying to sneak out the door. He has 
?iearly escaped when Doctor intercepts him, seizes him 
by collar, and brings him down to footlights. 

Doctor. You don't escape me. You're my first patient, 
and I'm not going to lose you. How much money have 
you? 

Onions. Ain't got a cent ! 

Doctor. Is that the truth ? 

Onions. 'Deed and double it am, Doctor. I left all de 
money home in de safe. 

Doctor. Very well ! I'll treat you gratis. 

Onions. But I don't want to be treated. O Doctor! 
let me go and I'll never come here again. 

Doctor, (flourishing horse-pistol which he takes from 
a drawer) You can't escape me ! Strip ! 
! Onions. What am dat ? 

Doctor. Take off your clothes, you booby ! 

Onions. O Doctor ! I couldn't do dat. 

Doctor, {levelling pistol) Take off your coat. How can 
I massage you with your clothes on. Quick or you're a dead 
man. (Onions takes off his coat in a hurry ; other coats of 
different colors seen underneath.) The other coat. (Onions 
takes off second coat) The other one. ( This scene can be 
carried on ad libitum) That will do. Now lie down on that 
cot. 

Onions, {terrified) What you going to do, Doctor? 

Doctor. Do as I tell you. Lie down on that cot. 

Onions. It is all up wid me. Oh ! I wish I had knowed 



8 A RED-HOT MASSAGE 

dis was a 'pothecary shop. {He lies on cot. Doctor comes 
forward with a big hay rake.) What's dat for ? 

Doctor. I'm going to massage you, you fool. One mo- 
ment please until I make you tender. {Takes up a property 
base-ball bat {stuffed) a?id begins beating Onions with it. 
Onions dashes to window, tries to jump out, but Doctor 
seizes him and pulls him back. Throws him again on cot.) 
Now for the massage process! {Begins rubbing Onions 
with the rake, Onions crying murder, etc., ad libitum) That 
will do. You are massaged. Do you feel better ? 

Onions. Oh ! I'm nearly dead. 

Doctor. I see what's the matter! I'll fix you. You 
require my sweat bath. (Doctor seizes Onions and pulls 
him toward the bath-tub, down r. c.) Get in there ! 

Onions. O Doctor ! what you going to do now ? 

Doctor. I'm going to save your life. Get in there. 
{Picks Onions up and hustles him into the bath-tub) Sit down, 
you jay, or I'll knock you down ! 

Onions. It is all up wid me ! Oh ! if my poor children 
could see me now. (Onions sits down in bath-tub and 
Doctor closes the lids leaving nothing visible of Onions 
but his head. 

Doctor. Now, old fellow, I'm got you just where I want 
you. I'm going through your clothes. 

Onions. Don't rob me, Doctor. I ain't got a cent. 

Doctor. I'll see about that. {Pulls big wallet out of 
Onions's coat which is lying on a chair) Not a cent, eh ? 
Why you miserable wretch this wallet is full of money. 
{Counts notes) There is enough here to take me to Canada. 

Onions. Drop that ! I'll call de police. Police ! Police ! 

Doctor, {seizing axe) I'll silence your cries. No ! 
{Drops axe) I'll burn the house and you with it ! {Rushes 
out) 

Onions. If I don't get out of here, I'll be a roast coon I 

The stage becomes crimson from red lights. Flames dart 
up throtigh trap in floor. Onions gives a yell of agony 
arid upsets the bath-tub, his legs seen kicking through the 
bottom of the tub, while his head, enclosed in the lid, is visible 
at the top as he continues to cry for help until the curtain 
falls. 



Practical Elocution 



By J. W. SHOEMAKER, A. M. 



300 Pages, Cloth, Leather Back, $1.25 

This work is the outgrowth of actual class-room ex- 
perience, and is a practical, common-sense treatment 
of the whole subject. It is clear and concise, yet com- 
prehensive, and is absolutely free from the entangling 
technicalities that are so frequently found in books of 
this class. It advocates no individual system, but ap- 
peals to the intelligence of any ordinary mind, and it 
can therefore be as successfully used by the average 
teacher of reading, as by the trained elocutionist. 

Conversation, which is the basis of all true Elocution, 
is regarded as embracing all the germs of speech and 
action. Prominent attention is therefore given to the 
cultivation of this the most common form of human 
expression. 

General principles and practical processes are pre- 
sented for the cultivation of strength, purity, and flexi- 
bility of Voice, for the improvement of distinctness 
and correctness in Articulation, and for the develop- 
ment of Soul Power in delivery. 

The work includes a systematic treatment of Gesture 
in its several departments of position, facial expression, 
and bodily movement, a brief system of Gymnastics 
bearing upon vocal development and grace of move- 
ment, and also a chapter on Methods of Instruction, 
for teachers. 

Liberal discount for introduction and in quantity. 

Sold by all Booksellers, or by 

THE PENN PVBUSHIKG COMPANY 
i©2o Arcli Street 

Philadelphia 



LIBRARY OF CONGREsJ 




017 401 345 7 



PLAYS 



A XTE are the leading dealers in Plays in 
the country, and carry the largest 
and best assortment that is to be found. 
We can furnish not only all the new and 
popular plays, but all the standard plays 
as well, and many old, rare, and out-of- 
print titles. Individuals and societies in- 
terested in this class of publications should 
first examine our catalogue before order- 
ing elsewhere. 

Full descriptive catalogue, giving titles, 
number of characters, time required for 
production, etc., etc., will be gladly sent 
upon application. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1020 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



